In Defence of Naps
I may talk way too much about health, when writing this blog. If so, I am certainly open for that feedback.
That being said, I am sort of into health these days. If you have read past blog entries, you are aware that I have had heart challenges of significance for over 2 years now. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and have every reason to totally trust that I soon will be fully healed. I had number 5 cardio version yesterday and will have number 2 ablation, hopefully before the new year. This cardio version went very smoothly. The others, not so much! I feel good today. A teeny bit slow, but mostly ready to focus of what I love (my work) and stay in the trust and knowledge that my health is terrific and my body will not fail me.
I am one for trying to find the lesson or understand the learning from most any situation. What was/is the learning from 2 years of fear that my heart will explode and I will self distruct because it is beating waaaaay to fast? I think it has to do with the need to slow down. And that does not look for me, the way it looks for many other people. Many people do way more than I do. I am not a doer. I am a be-er.
However, my mind, criticism of myself, judgements and dumping on me go on forever.
Not a good thing!
I don't think this is a bit unique to me. I think mothers, as well as all people who are committed to growing and learning, tend to pile up a bunch of stuff inside and no matter how much talking to others may happen, the internal load grows and the soul shrivels. I say mothers because I remember when I was raising children there just didn't seem to be time or space to share my internal emotional load. I was very alone.
I think too much, too often, too hard. It doesn't suit me! I think, for me at least, the key is to stay in the moment. Because so much of that thinking is really about worrying and blaming ----me. Like somewhere someone taught me that the only acceptable was to function in this physical life time is to be perfect. Then I wasn't told what perfect really looks like nor was I taught how to be perfect. I had to make that up. And what I made up was simply you are not enough, Nancy. You don't know enough, work enough, you aren't smart enough, creative enough; there simply needs to be more and you aren't even smart enough to know what more would be.
A recipe for suicide.
Wow! Did I really say that???? There is truth in that sentence. I nearly died, at least 3 times. Each time I was given another chance to understand what I was doing to myself. I actually think I've got it. What I am doing to myself is trying to erace me, innilalate me, wipe me out, get rid of me and start over. But I am actually not ready to start over. When I have learned this next batch of "stuff" I will be so much more prepared to be off and running the next time 'round.
One of the ways for me to start my new regime is to take a rest (I haven't become brave enough yet to call it a nap) during the day just because I want to. To not have to be sick, or stressed, or overwhelmed or anything at all other than wanting to take time out. Which generally means reading and sometime means sleeping.
S0, off I am to taking time out. I will read. I will let you know if I stept. I will NOT blame myself for wanting this or feel shame because the rest of the world is working their little bums off and I am a slacker.
More later. Nancy
That being said, I am sort of into health these days. If you have read past blog entries, you are aware that I have had heart challenges of significance for over 2 years now. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and have every reason to totally trust that I soon will be fully healed. I had number 5 cardio version yesterday and will have number 2 ablation, hopefully before the new year. This cardio version went very smoothly. The others, not so much! I feel good today. A teeny bit slow, but mostly ready to focus of what I love (my work) and stay in the trust and knowledge that my health is terrific and my body will not fail me.
I am one for trying to find the lesson or understand the learning from most any situation. What was/is the learning from 2 years of fear that my heart will explode and I will self distruct because it is beating waaaaay to fast? I think it has to do with the need to slow down. And that does not look for me, the way it looks for many other people. Many people do way more than I do. I am not a doer. I am a be-er.
However, my mind, criticism of myself, judgements and dumping on me go on forever.
Not a good thing!
I don't think this is a bit unique to me. I think mothers, as well as all people who are committed to growing and learning, tend to pile up a bunch of stuff inside and no matter how much talking to others may happen, the internal load grows and the soul shrivels. I say mothers because I remember when I was raising children there just didn't seem to be time or space to share my internal emotional load. I was very alone.
I think too much, too often, too hard. It doesn't suit me! I think, for me at least, the key is to stay in the moment. Because so much of that thinking is really about worrying and blaming ----me. Like somewhere someone taught me that the only acceptable was to function in this physical life time is to be perfect. Then I wasn't told what perfect really looks like nor was I taught how to be perfect. I had to make that up. And what I made up was simply you are not enough, Nancy. You don't know enough, work enough, you aren't smart enough, creative enough; there simply needs to be more and you aren't even smart enough to know what more would be.
A recipe for suicide.
Wow! Did I really say that???? There is truth in that sentence. I nearly died, at least 3 times. Each time I was given another chance to understand what I was doing to myself. I actually think I've got it. What I am doing to myself is trying to erace me, innilalate me, wipe me out, get rid of me and start over. But I am actually not ready to start over. When I have learned this next batch of "stuff" I will be so much more prepared to be off and running the next time 'round.
One of the ways for me to start my new regime is to take a rest (I haven't become brave enough yet to call it a nap) during the day just because I want to. To not have to be sick, or stressed, or overwhelmed or anything at all other than wanting to take time out. Which generally means reading and sometime means sleeping.
S0, off I am to taking time out. I will read. I will let you know if I stept. I will NOT blame myself for wanting this or feel shame because the rest of the world is working their little bums off and I am a slacker.
More later. Nancy
posted by Nancy Ross at
9:28 AM
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