IN CELEBRATION OF BEING GRUMPY

From: "Nancy Ross"
Subject:Grumpy
Date: July-25-10 11:38 AM

Dear friends,

I wrote this last summer admist heat and impending summer storms. It was about 1 week post # 8 cardio version. I want to share it because I think it is honest and hopeful. Today I celebrate 5 months of sinus rhythm and a healing sense of my strength and character. NAR

In Celebration of Being Grumpy

Maybe celebration is a strong word... but respect of being grumpy...or ... No I really think celebration is where I am right now!

I am grumpy. I don't want anyone to take it away from me and sure as fishes don't want anyone to jolly me out of it. I don't even need anyone to pretend otherwise. Yes, it is true , I am grumpy.

No, I don't know why. Why should I tell you even if I did??? It is MY grumpy. I hold it close. Cherish it. Protect it.

No sensible reason I can think of for grumpy. The weather. Well, duh, everyone is attempting to survive this heat and humidity. The difference is, most folks are trying to do it with Grace. I prefer doing it with Donald. Donald was the boy in third grade who always frowned, grunted, snapped, slouched, and picked his nose. No body got close to him. You bet! Don't get close to me, I snap.

Writing like this is supposed to be therapeutic. I am supposed to be able to shift. All that is shifted is that rather than grump on the computer, I think I will go back to bed and grump there. Sounds cozier. Before I go to bed I think I will get a cup of lovely coffee Clo makes. Maybe stick a batch of clothes in the washer. Then I can grump and feel like I am accomplishing something worth while, like keeping us looking spiffy in our spotless clothes while continuing to be grumpy.

Hang on there! Hang on just a darn minute!! Just because I said "lovely coffee" and "spiffy...spotless clothes", words that sort of slide a titch away from grumpy, doesn't mean I have any plans whatsoever to stop grump from living in my world right now. He and I need each other for a while longer. (wonder why I think grump is a he? Donald, I guess)

Grumpy gives me an excuse for solitude. Who in the name of all that is cozy, wants to snuggle up to a grump?

I had the coffee and a croissant with strawberry preserves. Good. Clo had a big male French friend over and they talked French. I grumped. He left. Clo started to feed Aimee some sausage she was eating. I grumped. I put the clothes in the washer and a batch in the dryer and came back upstairs to sleep, read and grump. Not grumpy at the moment. But haven't been with people either. That helps. Friends coming this evening. I hope I don't grump myself out of friends.

I'm scared. I'm too tired. God. If I am not in sinus rhythm what will I do? I can't live like this for 25 more years. It is boring. Grumpy is boring. Tired is boring. Scared is boring. I don't know who else to ask for help. I am out of resources. I know my answers are inside of me. But when I look inside I only find silence. And maybe fear. I wish the storm would go away. Part of me thinks my bio rhythms are in sink with the atmosphere and we are struggling together. I am reflecting the unrest of the elements. My heart is vibrationally out of rhythm with me and following the rage and raggedness of the wind. I reach for the thunder. Lightening will give me relief. Storm, please storm. And let go of my heart. Give it back to me. I need it for the life I still have ahead of me. I want to live. Fully, in richness and joy. I move toward peace, harmony and the love of life, friends, Clo, Aimee, family...

I am going to rest. Not because I am tired. Because I am sad. My tears and the earths rain will mix and the planet will heal and I will thrive. And the other way around as well.

I've rested. It is raining. The angels are crying because I am frightened. Do not fear, they say to me. You are safe. And loved. And healed. Friends will be here soon. Aimee and I will love a bit before they arrive.

Grumpy has been my faithful companion today. I appreciate the gift of solitude and acceptance he gave me. I celebrate. I lived today and will tomorrow. And many more tomorrows. Grumpy said so.






Nancy Ross M.A. L.L.P.
Imago Advanced Clinician
Workshop Presenter
www.couplerelationshiptherapy.com
416-466-3609

DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF LOVE

Wanting to write is curious to me. Often times I yearn to have something wise and interesting to say. Other times I feel a need to write whether it is wise or interesting or not. It simply, in my soul, wants to be said. And then there are the times, like right now, that I long to write and truly have nothing to say. For me the urge to write is the longing for the level of concentration it requires. In the absence of outside distractions, focus in the now sooths my urgency to accomplish something of use or note.

Concentration is seductive and curious. If I concentrate on work and deny family or partner, I can justify the cruelty of ignorance and oblivion. If I concentrate on keeping those I love safe in relationship to me, to themselves, and to others, we all benefit enormously. We all thrive when we know we belong and are desired. We all wither when we have no safe place and feel disconnected from those we deserve to have love us.

DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF LOVE.

If you are living in the absence of love or in an emotional place of not fitting or belonging; if you do not trust that you are chosen and desired, your heart will shrink, your soul will quiver, and your spirit will crumble with fear and pain.

Do whatever it takes to make a safe and intimate connection with those around you who should be living in a safe haven with you. You will not make it in this world unless you know you are loved.

I am off to the cemetery to play with 5- year- old Aimee, the perpetual puppy and second love of my life. Aimee can teach us all about forgiveness, unconditional love, playing, finding safe connection, patiently waiting her turn, being safely attached, turning around 3 times in a nest of blankets, settling down, taking a big sigh, and falling immediately into a deep and peaceful sleep. Aimee knows how to give love and how to receive love.

Blessed be. Warmly and in gratitude, Nancy

Belonging is Essential to Living

I am longing for internal peace. My cells are anxious. My soul is restless. Abraham suggests 15 minutes of daily meditative breathing. Brilliant idea! I want to do that.

I think of a frightened and bewildered little girl, not yet three, whose beloved mother disappeared first to the hospital and then into herself. Whose father took the new baby brother to another hospital in a town far away and disappeared again into his 12 hour a day job.

I remember this sensitive little girl who did not understand what had happened at all, waking one morning to find she was living for an unknown time with people who clearly did not want her and had not expected her. They fed her oatmeal and because it had raisins and brown sugar she was supposed to like it. They could have feed her peanut butter and jelly and she wouldn’t have been able to swallow it!

Lack of certainty, feeling unknown, being emotionally disconnected, not knowing where you belong, feeling unsafe, losing loving connection and familiarity; all way too much for anyone, child or adult, to endure. Everyone longs for loving connection, belonging with a precious other and to feel emotionally safe. The best way to thrive is in relationship with a trusted loved one. Without love, we will wither, falter, shrivel, wilt, weep, fade, shut down, disappear, rage, suffer profoundly.

When you feel alienated from your partner, know that your partner is feeling as anxious and uncertain as you are feeling. Both of you are longing to feel safe, to fit and belong, to be wanted and chosen, to be the heart’s desire. Soften your eyes, open your heart, and reach out. The risk is worth it. You might feel met.

You won’t feel met unless one of you takes the risk.

You will like yourself for being the generous, thoughtful, and wise one who held out a hand, spoke gently, tried first. The three-year-old child feeling inside will understand that you know how to give comfort to you, even when others don’t know how to do that well.

Because I don’t know how to end this short essay, I will simply stop here. Write to me! I long to hear if my words have any meaning to anyone else.

Warmly, Nancy