Relationship Column--Blooming Relationships Goes Out On A Limb

I received the following email after my first relationship column posting.

Ms. Ross,

I want to email you personally to see if you think this is an okay subject for Out On A Limb to respond to. ( I assured her it was excellent and let her know I would be using her letter)

My wife and I have been married for 6 years. We were high school lovers. We have 3 children, ages 5, 7 and 9. I am the birth mother. J always talked about wanting to be a man and not a woman and we laughed and joked about it over the years. Sometimes we talked about it pretty seriously.

She told me last night that she is ready to begin. She really does want a sex change though she still wants to be married with me and have us all be a family. I shouldn’t be so surprised, but really, I am numb with shock. I never really thought it would happen. I always thought it was one of our games and that it was a fun fantasy and good role- play and would never go further. Now I don’t know what to do.

I married a woman. I saw us as both lesbians. I am not at all sure I want to raise my children with a man, make love with a man, be intimate with a man, and grow old with a man. I wanted all of that with J and now J doesn’t even exist any more.

Please help us. J is as scared as I am

Painfully yours, M

Dear M,

Of course you are both very scared. No matter how prepared you thought you were, actually beginning the process of a sex change is totally life altering for all 5 of you. The first thing you both need to be clear about is that both of you are scared of the unknown, the loss of what you have had and been, the logistics, length of time, integrating into your family, extended family, friends and beyond. To say nothing thus far of the financial strain this may play on your family resources.

I believe with guidance and support and love, from others as well as each other, your family could thrive and flourish with this significant life change. It is a process that will follow you over the years, becoming more a part of your norm as time goes on. I suggest you read together Dr. Sue Johnson’s book Hold Me Tight and do the exercises together. I think that might help you keep your connection intimate and safe.

Remember that it is always true, in every relationship, that it is your job to say and do things that help your partner feel safe. It is your partner’s job to do the same for you. In this case it is even more crucial. You may both feel somewhat unsafe out and about it the world because you are doing something very against the norm. Holding each other tightly in your time of transition, growth and healing will help protect both of you from the potential loneliness this decision will likely hold for you. Hold on to the trust that ultimately J has the same heart, mind, and soul that you fell in love with initially. As her body changes, take time together to explore what that is like emotionally and physically for both of you. Stay in connection. Trust what you have built thus far. Remember the part's of J that are still J.

Keep in touch. My heart is with you. Warmly, Nancy

RELATIONSHIP COLUMN - OUT ON A LIMB

Years ago I had a relationship column in a pharmacy health magazine whose name I have forgotten! I called the column OUT ON A LIMB. I am doing that again. You email me questions. I answer. Oh, so very simple.

I will start with a question I received in an email sometime ago from a potential client. Her request went something like this:

"My partner of 12 years travels with his work frequently and for long periods of time. We have 3 children, ages 9,7 and 4. I think he is having at least one affair. He may even have another family. I don't want to divorce him. But I don't want to live like this any more. Can you help me?"

The short version of my answer goes something like this:

The two of you need to talk! Preferably face to face: if not in the same room, then at least on Skyp. He needs to hear your fears and you need to feel reassured. If he can't do that you need to make it clear that if he wants to come home you expect the two of you to talk with a professional. That professional can be of his choice if that will help him follow through.

There are too many unknowns and uncertainties for the two of you to feel safe enough to any longer be intimately connected. First clear the air, get some understanding about how each of you are living your life, then begin a dialogue about what each of you want together, or not together, in the future. Every relationship needs safety. And there is no safety and too much emotional and physical distance for true trust and intimacy in this relationship.

It is time you insist and clearly speak your bottom lines. It is time you take care of yourself and your children. They need a father. You deserve a partner you trust and who wants you. Put out your intention and stick to it!!! Have that intention include full disclosure and professional guidance.

Warmly, Nancy

BIG BLIZZARD COMING!!!!

Oh, My! What a fuss and kerfuffle. Last night's news suggested we might be snowed in for months. Get the army out AGAIN!

Today we have lots of snow. It is cold. I am glad to be inside. No HUGE BLIZZARD.

It occurs to me relationships are like that. All geared up for a BATTLE. Watch out! Here it comes.....hipper alert to the devastating and frightening potential disconnect between you. And.....you leap right over that one. You have learned how to keep each other safe and you do not need to fight for your rightful place in the landscape of your relationship. It is your legacy, not even a privilege, but your right to expect that the two of you know how to respect each other and keep love warm and alive between you.

I think we have something to learn from bears. Other animals who have enough sense to hibernate as well. They hunker down, curl up, hide away, tummy full and sleep. Restorative, glorious, nurturing, blissful sleep all the way through Jan. and Feb. Perfect! What a lovely image for you and your partner to create together. Snuggling up in front of a fire place or candles, books available to read to each other, snacks handy, romantic music, feeling relaxed and safe and in love. That's what winter snow storms are about.

Of course, you may well have three or four little pumpkins wanting in on the action. The titles and themes of the books you read to each other may change! You may chose cocoa instead of wine, or in my case scotch. The result may well be similar however: love making/sex is terrific. Loving with the whole family is delicious.

Happy winter moments and happy loving dreams. Nancy