Relationship Column--Blooming Relationships Goes Out On A Limb
I received the following email after my first relationship column posting.
Ms. Ross,
I want to email you personally to see if you think this is an okay subject for Out On A Limb to respond to. ( I assured her it was excellent and let her know I would be using her letter)
My wife and I have been married for 6 years. We were high school lovers. We have 3 children, ages 5, 7 and 9. I am the birth mother. J always talked about wanting to be a man and not a woman and we laughed and joked about it over the years. Sometimes we talked about it pretty seriously.
She told me last night that she is ready to begin. She really does want a sex change though she still wants to be married with me and have us all be a family. I shouldn’t be so surprised, but really, I am numb with shock. I never really thought it would happen. I always thought it was one of our games and that it was a fun fantasy and good role- play and would never go further. Now I don’t know what to do.
I married a woman. I saw us as both lesbians. I am not at all sure I want to raise my children with a man, make love with a man, be intimate with a man, and grow old with a man. I wanted all of that with J and now J doesn’t even exist any more.
Please help us. J is as scared as I am
Painfully yours, M
Dear M,
Of course you are both very scared. No matter how prepared you thought you were, actually beginning the process of a sex change is totally life altering for all 5 of you. The first thing you both need to be clear about is that both of you are scared of the unknown, the loss of what you have had and been, the logistics, length of time, integrating into your family, extended family, friends and beyond. To say nothing thus far of the financial strain this may play on your family resources.
I believe with guidance and support and love, from others as well as each other, your family could thrive and flourish with this significant life change. It is a process that will follow you over the years, becoming more a part of your norm as time goes on. I suggest you read together Dr. Sue Johnson’s book Hold Me Tight and do the exercises together. I think that might help you keep your connection intimate and safe.
Remember that it is always true, in every relationship, that it is your job to say and do things that help your partner feel safe. It is your partner’s job to do the same for you. In this case it is even more crucial. You may both feel somewhat unsafe out and about it the world because you are doing something very against the norm. Holding each other tightly in your time of transition, growth and healing will help protect both of you from the potential loneliness this decision will likely hold for you. Hold on to the trust that ultimately J has the same heart, mind, and soul that you fell in love with initially. As her body changes, take time together to explore what that is like emotionally and physically for both of you. Stay in connection. Trust what you have built thus far. Remember the part's of J that are still J.
Keep in touch. My heart is with you. Warmly, Nancy
Ms. Ross,
I want to email you personally to see if you think this is an okay subject for Out On A Limb to respond to. ( I assured her it was excellent and let her know I would be using her letter)
My wife and I have been married for 6 years. We were high school lovers. We have 3 children, ages 5, 7 and 9. I am the birth mother. J always talked about wanting to be a man and not a woman and we laughed and joked about it over the years. Sometimes we talked about it pretty seriously.
She told me last night that she is ready to begin. She really does want a sex change though she still wants to be married with me and have us all be a family. I shouldn’t be so surprised, but really, I am numb with shock. I never really thought it would happen. I always thought it was one of our games and that it was a fun fantasy and good role- play and would never go further. Now I don’t know what to do.
I married a woman. I saw us as both lesbians. I am not at all sure I want to raise my children with a man, make love with a man, be intimate with a man, and grow old with a man. I wanted all of that with J and now J doesn’t even exist any more.
Please help us. J is as scared as I am
Painfully yours, M
Dear M,
Of course you are both very scared. No matter how prepared you thought you were, actually beginning the process of a sex change is totally life altering for all 5 of you. The first thing you both need to be clear about is that both of you are scared of the unknown, the loss of what you have had and been, the logistics, length of time, integrating into your family, extended family, friends and beyond. To say nothing thus far of the financial strain this may play on your family resources.
I believe with guidance and support and love, from others as well as each other, your family could thrive and flourish with this significant life change. It is a process that will follow you over the years, becoming more a part of your norm as time goes on. I suggest you read together Dr. Sue Johnson’s book Hold Me Tight and do the exercises together. I think that might help you keep your connection intimate and safe.
Remember that it is always true, in every relationship, that it is your job to say and do things that help your partner feel safe. It is your partner’s job to do the same for you. In this case it is even more crucial. You may both feel somewhat unsafe out and about it the world because you are doing something very against the norm. Holding each other tightly in your time of transition, growth and healing will help protect both of you from the potential loneliness this decision will likely hold for you. Hold on to the trust that ultimately J has the same heart, mind, and soul that you fell in love with initially. As her body changes, take time together to explore what that is like emotionally and physically for both of you. Stay in connection. Trust what you have built thus far. Remember the part's of J that are still J.
Keep in touch. My heart is with you. Warmly, Nancy
posted by Nancy Ross at
8:05 AM
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