Day Dreams and Night Dreams

Do you often have premonitions? Do you ever wonder if you are prophetic? Do you KNOW but simply don't know? Remember I said I thought I would come back from France a different person? Remember the blog I wrote about the 5 most difficult issues for a relationship to deal with? Well...

Less then a week after we returned from an emotionally and physically demanding and spiritually and soul soothing 2 week trip in France, I took my partner of 20 years, Clo, to the emergency room. She was diagnosed with metastasized cancer of the liver, bone, and primary source probably breast. Our worst nightmare, of course. I believe my falling apart in France, the day dreams and night dreams I was having before we left, the sense of doom that hovered over me and in my heart, were all trying to help prepare me. I missed the signals. I have done that before.

We are being incredibly well cared for by family and friends. A final diagnosis with all of the testing pulled together will be available Oct. 24. Next steps will then follow. Love and support, emotional and functional pour in. Thank you all!

I will do whatever I can to keep this blog updated.

This has not only NOT stressed the relationship but has tightened it, if anything. Clo and I know how to be a team, how to work together, how to take care of each other. We are blessed. And I hope whenever such huge stress happens to you, you too will know how to come closer to loved ones and care for each other. When times get rough, take a moment to ask yourself and be curious about what it would be like without this person in your life. Really not in your life any more. Remember that change happens in a moment. Take good care of what you have in your life. Nurture each other. The most precious commodity you have is time. It is way too short.

Hugs, Nancy

The Healing Power of Giving and Receiving

I came back from France with more energy than I had when I left for France. However does that work? It has maintained itself all week. It isn't difficult to get up at 7 or 7:30 am and afternoon naps are not only no long crucial, but I can't sleep. Though I can take resting and thinking, processing and integrating time. Something I absolutely need so I can keep up emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I still can't take groups of people, feel I have tired ears and heart when with 2 or 3 people socially after a couple of hours, and have no need to venture very far beyond my semi-quiet life.

I think France challenged me physically and intellectually and I found myself failing dramatically. However, the very fact that I pushed through 2 weeks of exhaustion and uncertainty, surrounded by beauty, history, mystery, and love was a miracle and I have come out of it a stronger and better person. What that looks like and feels like in the long run is yet to be seen.

I share this with you because I really want you to take seriously the value for you and your partner in each and every "opportunity" as my daughter-in-law calls it. My cousin Gail says, "Another ....... growing experience, right Nance?" I call them challenges and growth option. Walking away from each other feeling hurt, angry and scared only wounds you both. Holding hands and facing the tidal wave together, as Clo did with me in France, strengthens and deepens.

I have my "opportunity" to give her extra loving support now. She is having quite a bit of internal physical pain and is in the midst of tests and doctors scratching their heads. She absolutely needs me and deserves for me the step up to the plate. And I pray I do the job well. I know I do it in love.

Every relationship has it's opportunity for reciprocity. And it often doesn't take long to emerge. Remember, when you keep your partner feeling safe, and your partner helps you feel safe, almost anything can be faced together. Take a deep breath! Close your eyes. And remember how it feels to give love. And how it feels to receive love. I highly recommend Harville Hendrix's book, Receiving Love. One of the many important things he has to say is that we most of us feel we can give love, but often times we really don't know how to receive it. And the truth of the matter is, if we can't fully receive, we really can't fully give.

Can you REALLY open your heart to what is out there for you? Can you feel the love of a beautiful sunset? A child's laughter? A partner's hug? A flower, a bird, music, good food prepared for you.....Take in what is offered with an open welcoming heart. Trust. Most always we are well intentioned. Seldom is anyone really TRYING to give us grief. Take a minute right now and go give someone a hug or a big kindly welcoming smile. More later. Love, Nancy

Back from France!

Well! In all seriousness I think I can include taking a trip to a country new to you and a language unfamiliar to you, even if it is your partner's first language, can easily be in the top 5 most stressful to a relationship issues. I think the list of top 5 stresses goes something like: 1) someone in family with serious illness or older ill parent moving in; 2) an affair; 3) moving to a new country and both getting a new job or one staying home isolated with children; 4) huge financial loss, 5) significant travel containing 2 or more major celebrations, one returning to a dream of 40 years ago and one frightened out of her mind of: language, roundabouts, technology, maps, and change. I was the frightened one. Change is hard for me! Being vulnerable is not nice!!

And my partner stood up to the plate and took over. Man, she literally held me when I fell down. I got terribly sick for most of the trip and dear, stalwart, resourceful,loyal, and loving Clo, as always, took care of me. I feel great now that I am back home and can look back and remember the beauty and history of France. To say nothing of the food and wine!

I learned first hand something really important for me to try to share with any couples who might be reading this. I learned the importance of sticking with your partner and not blaming or judging, but helping them hang on in a time of distress. I believe my level of vulnerability and feelings of lack of control while in France being sick all over again, triggered the depth of despair and fear I felt for two years or more when I was so sick with my heart. Once again, I did not have a clue what to do with myself. I was too sick to think clearly. Literally. Clo had to point me in the right direction again and again.

It was a major power struggle waiting to happen. And Clo didn't let it happen. A lesson to remember. If we won't let "it", whatever "it" might be at the moment, happen, it simply can't happen. She held steady, had a good time and let me and helped me find my way. I had a good time too, in-between bouts of....lots of things.

We will go back again in a year or two. And do it differently. Like skip Paris. Lines are way too long and way too many tourists. We will return to Chartes, Chinon, Bordeaux, rent an apartment for a week or more and take day trips by train. No more roundabouts, standard shifting and streets with two or more unpronounceable names. Thank heavens for Ms. GPS. She saved us more than once, that's for sure.

I did learn a bit more French and that certainly pleased Clo. We visited several beautiful cathedrals and churches, some castles, saw the sea and the ocean, stayed 2 days in a wonderful, old French farm house with two of Clo's friends who were absolutely wonderful hosts. Out of the depths came sunshine, just this morning. Last night I slept the best I have in months and woke up feeling loved and healing. Something about that trip..... If I find out what, I will let you know.

In the mean time, learn from me what I had to learn the hard way: love each other and trust each other to be well intentioned. Try to understand when your partner is vulnerable or in need, that what they long for is connection and love. Always. That goes for you as well. We always need love and connection, self esteem and confidence. Love is the only thing that makes life worth while. Nurture yours, with your family, your friends, your connections. Learn to lead with joy. I am still learning and it feels good. Nancy