Reflections

I am tired. BUT! I am NOT as filled with dread as I have been so many times when my heart was scaring me. What is being done to Clo's body is horrific. I am so very very sorry. I try to share some of the load as best I am able, but there really is no, or at least very little, sharing that can be done. She ALWAYS knows she is filled with cancer. She realizes the extent, and mostly focuses on something else. She told me today if she wakes up at night feeling alone and frightened, she will wake me. I am glad.

I am pretty tuned in to her night activities. Sometimes I sleep right through them. She said that last night I woke each time she did and tried to learn if there was something I could DO. There was not. I don't want her to be frightened alone in this journey. I want to be with her. Sometimes she feels me shut her out and I think I do that. I get tired of cancer. I want laughter, joy, hope and assurance. I want relief. I want the magic back.

The magic was back for a few hours when Lisa was here and she and I walked at the beach in the sun with Aimee and laughed at ourselves. The magic creeps in when I think of Sydney, Nick and Chris. The magic filled the household when Chris and Jessie were here. Christmas was filled with magic.

I guess I mean love when I say magic. That is a big part of it. But the love hasn't left the house hold when only Clo, Aimee and I are here. The house is filled with our love for each other, all 3 of us. And it is a complicated loving. A loving in which the fear of loss hovers. A foggy loving that is tender and holds fear. And maybe shame.

Do I feel shame that I did not get her to the hospital way sooner?? Do I feel shame that I need help already to care for us in our lives and there will be much more to come? Do I feel anticipatory shame that I will let her down, or let myself down, or let our friends see a side of me that is less than I want to be? I think, yes.

More reflections later. Feeling loving and loved, Nancy

Growing and Stretching In The New Normal

Something so amazing is happening that I am almost embarrassed to write about it. But I am bursting at the seams and can't seem to keep my mouth shut or my fingers otherwise engaged!

I AM HAPPY!!! How can that be true?? It IS true. At this moment, this is what I think about that. In another moment, or another day, or another......but now: I go back to the warm up to leaving for France and our 2 weeks in France. I was sick. I was not at all sure I wanted to go. I froze when I got there and was even sicker. Clo and I were both so sick in France, and although we did have a good time, the memory is always coloured with how sick we both were. She was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer 11 days after we returned to Canada. Since then a LOT has happened.

And I think I have finally caught up with myself and my life challenges. I drive everywhere, I cook some when I want to, mostly I don't want to, I entertain MY way, I walk briskly with Aimee, I have terrific friends and incredible connection and relationship with my children and grandchildren, I feel healthy, wealthy and wise!

I feel confident I have gotten a grip on life. I felt like I was losing my grip there for awhile. My own previous 2 or 3 year battle with heart challenges set me back big time. I really lost confidence that I could take care of myself. NONSENSE! I do an incredible job of taking care of myself. As well as taking care of those I love and am responsible for. What joy to have myself back. With hope the new normal Nancy will stay around until it is once again time to adjust to yet another new normal.

Trust yourself. Oh, please, do TRUST yourself. You can do ANYTHING. Really. Having courage does not mean you are without fear. It means you have learned to live with fear, find the ways in which fear is actually your friend, and set aside the part of fear that is not useful. When you are afraid for your partner or child, stamp your foot and shake your head. Remind yourself that even the incredibly scary and threatening stuff is an opportunity to learn and grow. Join forces with the one for whom you feel fear, and together it all feels way more doable. Even small children can join us in helping take the best possible care of them. We ALL want connection. We ALL want to fit, to belong, to be loved. Join forces with your loved one in a manner that generates even more love between the two of you.

Battling with or for your beloved is not useful. Battling is not useful. It wastes time and energy. Loving, supporting, finding peace and hope, receiving support, asking for support.....it all makes life worthwhile. Even at the worst of times.

In the midst of our latest brain tumour crisis, I asked Clo what would be helpful, what would feel like comfort and be nice.....she said,"Having Liz White soup and Nancy Christie muffins in the freezer....!' Now isn't that easy. AND true. Comfort food. Soothes and heals. Knowing you are loved. Liz and Nancy were delighted to help out. We even got some brownies out of it and that was all gluten free. Luxury.

There are worse case scenarios than one partner has significant heart challenges and simultaneously the other partner has stage 4 cancer in breast, liver, bones, and brain. But you probably agree the scenario I have described is a challenge. And today I can say it is surmountable. I will let you know what next week brings when we get the update from Dr. Warr re: radiation, chemo, and CT scans. But I doubt seriously I will every forget this powerful learning and integrating I am currently doing. Learning how well I can function and how brave and positive Clo can be. We are a team! And it is so much the trust and the loving, the knowing where we fit and belong, the knowing we are wanted and we have found home that holds all of this together. Hallelujah

Write me. Hugs, Nancy

Learning the New Normal

Imagine our surprise, having settled into living with cancer with a bit of peace and a lot of hope, receiving a phone call from dear Dr. Warr saying the cancer has moved into Clo's brain and we need to stop chemo and start radiation immediately! Oh, my!!! Silence. Gasp. Moan. Breathe!

The good news is multiple: small pea sized tumours, immediate radiation treatments scheduled, only five daily treatments, then able to return to chemo. Life is feeling manageable again. Five daily treatments then back to chemo. Good sign. Clo is back on steroids and has that manic energy that wears me out. However, it feels like we can face the uninvited cancer visitor who has decided to stay.

I think a huge learning for us while on this current journey is to be in the moment, to trust friends, family and medical system, and always know change is right around the corner. My friend Dawn, from Michigan, taught me the concept of the "new normal". The new normal is ever changing, and admitting that that is the truth helps keep me sane. My job is to keep my heart open to loving Clo and simultaneously find a place for myself in the part of the world that does not have cancer as the centre piece.

I suspect there are several others out there with a similar plan. Keep on loving. Feel good about the way you/I give and receive love, caring, kindness..... AND live a rich, joyful life. Lets talk about how it is working for us. So far, it is not going so bad for me. Actually, mostly life is full of love, laughter, hope.....sometimes fear and sadness creep in. But fear and sadness belong in my life right now. It makes sense to live with them when huge challenges face us. I simply must not lose track of the hope and laughter and joy.

Write to me. I am very glad to explore feelings together. Hugs, Nancy

Some Memories of My Mother As Her Birthday Approaches

Today, while walking at the cemetery with Aimee, I got to thinking more about shame. Sadly, whenever I think of shame, I think of my mother. The burden of shame she carried pretty nearly debilitated her at various times throughout her life. It is remarkable how loving and generous and kind she was able to be with her children and grandchildren, nieces and nephews, neighbours and friends, while always struggling with the belief that she was basically flawed and less then others.

As I write this I remember how incredibly brave my mother was, to hold her shoulders back and her head high, to make eye contact and to smile, as she walked down the main street of our small lake side mid-American town when I was a child, by the side of the only black person, a MAN at that, thus far to enter our town. A visitor, living for a short while in our home. Ishwar Shavan, a student from India. I thought at the time he was from the upper class in India, a prince, my imagination had a hay-day:he certainly was exotic in my ten year old mind. Many decades later my mother told me he was actually of the untouchable caste in India. Although he came to the U.S. to get an education, and I have NO idea what he was doing in our tiny town, he would, my mother feared, return to poverty.

Ponder that for a moment, if you can! My mother, who viewed herself as essentially flawed, amazed when the neighbours will talk to her after learning of our shame (my feisty brother, as a teenager, was in an abandoned home with several friends, drinking beer when the police raided the place! (: The other boys ran away. He was caught because of his physical inability to run), inviting into her home to live/sleep/eat/socialize, walking down the street side by side, indicating to those same neighbours that in her eyes he was as important and precious as all humans beings should be.

I have so many stories of what I now know was courage, but at times past did not understand. I think of her walking down 250 steps into a damp moldy cavern , all the time knowing she would have to go UP 250 steps to get out, age at least 80+, softly chanting her mantra for the moment:"I will NOT have an asthma attack, I will NOT have an asthma attack!!" I gave my young man sons the heads up that they may well have to carry grandma out of the cave. She did NOT have an asthma attack and the guide said she was the oldest person they knew who had taken that tour. My mother would NOT be left out where her children and grandchildren were concerned. And they WOULD have an education, so they would never have to know poverty. She has been called stubborn. Right now all I can see is courage.

The shame my mother made her own, was the shame that belonged to others. She never understood that. I never knew how to help her understand that. She died several years ago in the arms of a woman she thought was me. Trish loved her as a daughter loves a mother. And my mother felt that love and felt safe with Trish. I was not able to be with her at that moment. Trish did a stellar job, holding her and praying, loving her and letting her think I was the one with her during this part of her journey. Thank you Trish!

Well, who knew?? I had no idea when I started writing this that I wanted to write a tribute to my mom. More later I am sure, as her birthday isn't until April 6. What I want to share with any moms who are reading this is: always be the holder of the hope. The love, gifts, teachings, heart that you have wanted to share with your child(ren) will show itself in all of it's glory at some point in your lifetime. Never give up knowing the day will come when your children will understand you. We moms get scared we have not done it right, or been enough, or missed something essential. But that is not true. We have all of us, done well. And someday the sun will shine through the clouds and we will feel the knowing of that!

Hugs, Nancy

Some Words About Shame

"Although our triggers are different, we all know shame with its attributes of self-hate, inferiority and a strong desire to withdraw and disappear from the eyes of others. Shame runs a continuum from mild embarrassment to profound dread. At the extreme, shame prone people experience themselves as truly defective at the core of their being. Although we each know this form of hell, we often don't know its origin within our psyche-soma."

The above paragraph is a quote from Alexis Johnson Ph. D. from the Center for Intentional Living located in Connecticut. It is my experience that shame is seldom focused on and little understood. I was raised by a mother who was highly shame based. I do not believe anything happened to me personally, to hard wire me for leading heavily with shame. However, I do believe for me shame was learned. My mother had things happen to her throughout her lifetime that she found shameful. You and I would understand her and not see anything shameful at all. For her, her first sin was that she came from poverty. Second sin was that she was not well educated. Other "sins" followed, all of which were done to her and none of her choice. Her psyche became heavily burdened. Her sense of self esteem felt beaten up.

I think we learn to feel shame at a very young age and do not have any idea whatsoever what to call it. We simply know something isn't right, feels bad, is off. And we blame ourselves. Blaming self stems from way back in our history, when we can not afford to believe the adults in our life would be doing wrong, so we figure we must be the one who is off and/or bad. When time and time again our sweet, innocent little self gets assaulted and damaged, it becomes impossible to shake off the feelings of self blame and self loathing and we sink into a black hole of loneliness and despair.

As we age we minimize the self loathing or self hatred insults and move into an inability to make eye contact, a desire to hide (behind alcohol, food, sleep, computers, idols, a relationship.... whatever gives us the most comfort possible), an inability to function fully and a total lack of self confidence.

A loving and secure relationship is where healing can happen when we carry a mountain of shame with us wherever we go. Being seen, heard and understood by a loved one heals the fear that we are bad and wrong. Having someone you trust tell you you make sense and they can understand why you feel the way you do or acted the way you did, helps lighten the load of self loathing. There is ALWAYS a reason behind our actions and behaviors and words. Upon second and careful thought, we may no long agree with how we handled the situation, or someone else might not agree, but understanding the reason and making a new decision is the process of healing and gaining self respect

Please write and let me know what you are feeling about what I have said. I am happy to be in dialogue with you. More later. Time to rest and let Aimee doing her magic.

Warmly, Nancy

Once Upon a Time...

....there was a little girl who played with the fairies and elves underneath the her mother's beautiful antique dining room table, with a white linen cloth covering the table and providing quiet space for the adventures below, or under pear trees and plum trees in the back yard. She found the perfect place for reflection, adventure, imagination, meditation, time out, whatever name it might be called by others. For her it was, "Being with my people."

Even as an adult she/I need time away to reflect and go inside myself. Often I call it, "Being with myself." Much like what I learned to do as a child. I don't go under the dining room table! But I do head for the trees. Aimee and I walk in the cemetery. And I think. I talk within myself. I process and try to make sense out of myself and my life. I ask questions like,"Who am I?", "Where do I belong?" Who loves me?" What helps me feel secure?"

Clo has cancer and I continue for a little while longer to have heart rate challenges. AND....there IS more in life! I WILL live life outside of the struggle. Fighting against what is, is useless. Moving with it, around it, through it is empowering. Sometimes I collapse into a surreal place where I feel very strange and out of place. A place that feels like I have no control and no clue how to be in charge again. Staying there for any length of time is not a good thing for me to do.

A very dear friend has recently helped me name how I get myself out of the place where I am struggling and no good is coming from it: she says that I go to my spiritual place and Aimee is my spirit guide. And that is true. There are two things I intentionally do to keep myself grounded and in a REAL place: read on the futon with Aimee sleeping on my stomach; or play with Aimee at the cemetery. Both options bring me into my joy and I inevitably once again find peace and hope. I believe Aimee reminds me to stay in NOW, she loves me into feeling pure joy, she comforts me literally with the warmth and life in her body, she heals me with her love.

There has to be room in your relationship for you to be able to retreat: without shame but with encouragement; without blame or being criticized, but with understanding. You deserve to receive that time and your relationship needs you to realize how much your partner also deserves time out. I want to share more about shame, but that is a to- be- continued subject.
I am going to go to bed for the night now, and will write more soon. Love, Nancy