Reflections

I am tired. BUT! I am NOT as filled with dread as I have been so many times when my heart was scaring me. What is being done to Clo's body is horrific. I am so very very sorry. I try to share some of the load as best I am able, but there really is no, or at least very little, sharing that can be done. She ALWAYS knows she is filled with cancer. She realizes the extent, and mostly focuses on something else. She told me today if she wakes up at night feeling alone and frightened, she will wake me. I am glad.

I am pretty tuned in to her night activities. Sometimes I sleep right through them. She said that last night I woke each time she did and tried to learn if there was something I could DO. There was not. I don't want her to be frightened alone in this journey. I want to be with her. Sometimes she feels me shut her out and I think I do that. I get tired of cancer. I want laughter, joy, hope and assurance. I want relief. I want the magic back.

The magic was back for a few hours when Lisa was here and she and I walked at the beach in the sun with Aimee and laughed at ourselves. The magic creeps in when I think of Sydney, Nick and Chris. The magic filled the household when Chris and Jessie were here. Christmas was filled with magic.

I guess I mean love when I say magic. That is a big part of it. But the love hasn't left the house hold when only Clo, Aimee and I are here. The house is filled with our love for each other, all 3 of us. And it is a complicated loving. A loving in which the fear of loss hovers. A foggy loving that is tender and holds fear. And maybe shame.

Do I feel shame that I did not get her to the hospital way sooner?? Do I feel shame that I need help already to care for us in our lives and there will be much more to come? Do I feel anticipatory shame that I will let her down, or let myself down, or let our friends see a side of me that is less than I want to be? I think, yes.

More reflections later. Feeling loving and loved, Nancy