Some Words About Shame

"Although our triggers are different, we all know shame with its attributes of self-hate, inferiority and a strong desire to withdraw and disappear from the eyes of others. Shame runs a continuum from mild embarrassment to profound dread. At the extreme, shame prone people experience themselves as truly defective at the core of their being. Although we each know this form of hell, we often don't know its origin within our psyche-soma."

The above paragraph is a quote from Alexis Johnson Ph. D. from the Center for Intentional Living located in Connecticut. It is my experience that shame is seldom focused on and little understood. I was raised by a mother who was highly shame based. I do not believe anything happened to me personally, to hard wire me for leading heavily with shame. However, I do believe for me shame was learned. My mother had things happen to her throughout her lifetime that she found shameful. You and I would understand her and not see anything shameful at all. For her, her first sin was that she came from poverty. Second sin was that she was not well educated. Other "sins" followed, all of which were done to her and none of her choice. Her psyche became heavily burdened. Her sense of self esteem felt beaten up.

I think we learn to feel shame at a very young age and do not have any idea whatsoever what to call it. We simply know something isn't right, feels bad, is off. And we blame ourselves. Blaming self stems from way back in our history, when we can not afford to believe the adults in our life would be doing wrong, so we figure we must be the one who is off and/or bad. When time and time again our sweet, innocent little self gets assaulted and damaged, it becomes impossible to shake off the feelings of self blame and self loathing and we sink into a black hole of loneliness and despair.

As we age we minimize the self loathing or self hatred insults and move into an inability to make eye contact, a desire to hide (behind alcohol, food, sleep, computers, idols, a relationship.... whatever gives us the most comfort possible), an inability to function fully and a total lack of self confidence.

A loving and secure relationship is where healing can happen when we carry a mountain of shame with us wherever we go. Being seen, heard and understood by a loved one heals the fear that we are bad and wrong. Having someone you trust tell you you make sense and they can understand why you feel the way you do or acted the way you did, helps lighten the load of self loathing. There is ALWAYS a reason behind our actions and behaviors and words. Upon second and careful thought, we may no long agree with how we handled the situation, or someone else might not agree, but understanding the reason and making a new decision is the process of healing and gaining self respect

Please write and let me know what you are feeling about what I have said. I am happy to be in dialogue with you. More later. Time to rest and let Aimee doing her magic.

Warmly, Nancy