I Am Pooped

Why am I such a poop???!!!

 Today we learned good news all around for Clo.

 I am exhausted.

Couldn't sleep, then did for a bit. Rest and reading all day. Gone down to the kitchen for wine. Left empty handed. Unexpected guest for dinner that L. and M. are preparing. Good smells. French words and laughter. I want to run away. I want to hide. I want to evaporate. I do not know how to face death and come out laughing. I do not know how to be in public frivolity when what I feel is private grief. If Clo isn't dying, she will some day. If I am not dying, I will some day. Not now. Laugh now. Die later. How do I do that??

Dinner is ready. I join. I smile. I hurt. I long. I am alive. We are all alive. Now.

I don't think I hurt. I don't think hurt is what this is. I think it is profound sorrow. I am grieving for the pain of the planet. The planet screams. I long to cry. My tears will soften the hard ground beneath me. My tears will eventually lead me to my laughter. It hides inside me. Ashamed to show itself for fear laughter will betray the relief.

 Relief.

I can't find it yet. I am not afraid. I am tired. I long to sleep for a long winter. We enter the brilliance of summer. And I long for the solitude and quiet of winter. That will come.

I share this because I have the words. I believe others have the feelings and can't find the words. I will try to do it for us/you/me. My words help ground me. Help me find the softer ground my tears could prepare for me if I would let them. Not time yet. I stand on hard dry earth and wait. Some time I will laugh again. And pray again. And love myself again.

Almost.

Soon.

Now?

Not quite.

Love, Nancy