Palliative care inpatient unit at Princess Margaret Hospital

Clo is in the hospital. I have no idea for how long. She isn't eating, drinks little, is exhausted, very head achy, nauseous, terrible metallic taste, pain in liver, legs, knees and shoulders. Generally speaking, totally miserable. I learned about ambulances: hire a private one unless you want to go to the nearest emergency room. We sure didn't want to do that. We had a bed waiting for us at PMH on the 16th. floor and no stops between here and there were going to delay us! It worked wonderfully well.

I am learning about the precious gift of being able to love and support a dying friend and family member. Clo so trusts me. And I am so pleased that she does. I want to give her the gift of knowing she is loved, feeling she is safe, being free of pain, and feeling fearless. I am praying she will die in my arms. I want her to feel my love, my presence, my hope and the safety of my holding her close as she leaves for something I don't know much about and she will explore sooner than I will.

My experience is that we really don't know how we want to die until we are in the middle of the journey. Because it is pretty difficult to talk about when we know so little, it is imperative we talk about it when we are living in the middle of one partner dying. What are we each feeling? fearing? hoping, dreaming, wanting........

Nancy, I am afraid. My dearest Clo, you do not need to be afraid. I am right here always.

Love to all, Nancy