A Safe Place To Protest
I just gave Aimee, the cutest puppy on the planet, a much needed but deeply unwanted bath! She sure did tell me her displeasure! Then she ran straight to Clo and let Clo know how mean and unfair I was being to her! I got a clear picture of how important it is for kids to have one parent to insist and one parent to complain to.
There are limits that children (and puppies) need set for them. There are things that REALLY DO have to be done or REALLY CAN"T be done. Children, puppies, adults, dogs, whoever, deserve to have a safe place where they can protest. Parents commit to being a team and working together to help keep the entire family safe. And when you are a team mate with your partner, you can spell each other. Bad guy ( bathing enforcer) good guy ( place to protest). The good guy role includes supporting the rule enforcer or limit setter with words such as: "I know you don't like to have to do that. I understand and it makes sense. But it DOES have to be done! Let's take care of it and then we can ALL do something fun together."
Take turns being the limit setter. Don't make one parent into the bad guy every time. NOT FAIR! And support the rules while comforting the one who is complaining. Complaining is sharing honest feelings. Everyone gets to say what they feel. Someone needs to hear and understand, even when you may not agree. You can understand that your 4 year old doesn't want his head washed because it is a drag, but you can support that it still must be done. You can understand that your 12 year old wants to date a 16 year old, but you still are not going to allow that to happen. Support her annoyance, disappointment, and hurt; but assure her that both of you are committed to not letting this happen. And when the children protest loudly and for a long time, agree they have reason to be aggrieved, but the decision holds, by both of you.
In my head I am shouting, "Easy for you to say, Ross! What do I do when I am the ONLY parent!!??"
Well I have been there. And it takes a lot of faith in yourself and trust in the kids and trust in the process. I found when I was consistent and didn't waver, I had better luck. I actually prayed a lot and reminded God that we were in this together and I could use all the help I could get. And mistakes happened. Just like they do when there are two parents.My children had a father who had convinced himself that I was doing just fine and they didn't need him. That is SOOOOOO NOT TRUE. If you produced a child, that child is your responsibility and NOTHING lets you off the hook. Your decisions are always for the best interests of the children, not because it is easier for you.
Well, all this because I gave Aimee a bath. Who knew? Aimee has settled. Forgiven me, and I didn't even give her a treat. Clo is resting and our household feels settled. We have ups and downs. Quite like everyone else. A friend said the other day that she bet I would be looking forward to a boring day. Certainly a restful day and I had one yesterday and other today. Blessed be. Hugs, Nancy
There are limits that children (and puppies) need set for them. There are things that REALLY DO have to be done or REALLY CAN"T be done. Children, puppies, adults, dogs, whoever, deserve to have a safe place where they can protest. Parents commit to being a team and working together to help keep the entire family safe. And when you are a team mate with your partner, you can spell each other. Bad guy ( bathing enforcer) good guy ( place to protest). The good guy role includes supporting the rule enforcer or limit setter with words such as: "I know you don't like to have to do that. I understand and it makes sense. But it DOES have to be done! Let's take care of it and then we can ALL do something fun together."
Take turns being the limit setter. Don't make one parent into the bad guy every time. NOT FAIR! And support the rules while comforting the one who is complaining. Complaining is sharing honest feelings. Everyone gets to say what they feel. Someone needs to hear and understand, even when you may not agree. You can understand that your 4 year old doesn't want his head washed because it is a drag, but you can support that it still must be done. You can understand that your 12 year old wants to date a 16 year old, but you still are not going to allow that to happen. Support her annoyance, disappointment, and hurt; but assure her that both of you are committed to not letting this happen. And when the children protest loudly and for a long time, agree they have reason to be aggrieved, but the decision holds, by both of you.
In my head I am shouting, "Easy for you to say, Ross! What do I do when I am the ONLY parent!!??"
Well I have been there. And it takes a lot of faith in yourself and trust in the kids and trust in the process. I found when I was consistent and didn't waver, I had better luck. I actually prayed a lot and reminded God that we were in this together and I could use all the help I could get. And mistakes happened. Just like they do when there are two parents.My children had a father who had convinced himself that I was doing just fine and they didn't need him. That is SOOOOOO NOT TRUE. If you produced a child, that child is your responsibility and NOTHING lets you off the hook. Your decisions are always for the best interests of the children, not because it is easier for you.
Well, all this because I gave Aimee a bath. Who knew? Aimee has settled. Forgiven me, and I didn't even give her a treat. Clo is resting and our household feels settled. We have ups and downs. Quite like everyone else. A friend said the other day that she bet I would be looking forward to a boring day. Certainly a restful day and I had one yesterday and other today. Blessed be. Hugs, Nancy
posted by Nancy Ross at
9:06 AM
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